Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
