I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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