Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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