First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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