FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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