happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize