so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
