I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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