I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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