If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
