Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
