I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
