I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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