I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
