It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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