i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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