ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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