We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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