this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
He felt like a one man threesome
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
We're too hungover to prance.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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