I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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