Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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