Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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