dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
