I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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