She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
