Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
