ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
