This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
