Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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