You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
