just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
