Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I think I sprained my soul last night
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
