Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
