M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
