I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
