I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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