Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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