i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
