Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
