You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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