i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He felt like a one man threesome
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
