my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
