My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
