We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
