I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
