I wish my penis had an off switch
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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