According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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