____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
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