Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
