i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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