True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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