I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
be right there i have to get my cape
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
