Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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