I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
