Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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