Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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