started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
My life is pants optional.
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