He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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