I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
