The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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